Nobody Stop Me - A Dairy Of A Madman

bugs and quirks

2006-04-27T01:28:00.000+01:00

found some odd things with my blog, the assfruit is displayed too large, BUT blogger decides the size! also the sidebar stuff displays correctly in firefox and wrong in internet explorer, if you dont see a menu at the top right (you only see a space) get firefox now, its a great explorer, better then M$ crap.

Fruit Therapy

2006-04-24T14:22:00.000+01:00

Negative feelings are bad. Think of negative feelings as fruit and vegetables. Sadness is a Grapefruit. Anxiety is a watermelon. Guilt is a Cucumber. Take all these feelings and jump up and down on them. Totally crush them. Except the Cucumber. Sit on that firmly. Stop being so negative you stupid wanker.

Urine Test

2006-04-23T21:29:00.000+01:00

Your urine can tell you a lot. Every Monday pour some of your urine into a small bowl. Whip up the urine with a chopstick. If a frothy head forms your going to die, probably within hours. Beat death from taking you by killing yourself. As you die feel smug that for the first time in your life you have won.

I Want One...

2006-04-23T11:00:00.000+01:00

I found this picture on usenet, no details about it, but I need to know where to buy one!

Connect With Your Partner

2006-04-23T00:27:00.000+01:00

Connect with your partner by fastening your foreheads together with superglue. You'll realize exactly why you hate eachother and want a divorce. The clarity of thinking is good. Superglue is good. A large heavy axe is even better.

Ten Uses For George Bush

2006-04-21T09:34:00.000+01:00

George Bush has lost his Sooty Glove-puppet

I dedicate this to all who feel the need to stand up for him, may your ignorance be blissful!

01) Scoop him out and use him as a canoe
02) Plant tomato seeds in him and use as a gro-bag
03) Stick him in a zoo wearing a gorilla costume and have him wank himself silly
04) Use his tears to stop a drought in Ethiopia
05) Employ him testing Pretzels
06) Get him a gimp-suit a-la-pulp fiction and sell his ass
07) Use him as a pillar in the next motorway
08) Show him a photograph of Bill Clinton, so he knows what a real president looks like
09) Fit wheels on him and use as a go-kart
10) Get him to write out 10,000 times "Only girls cry on TV", then tear them up and see if he cries again.

New Iraqi Charity Launch

2006-04-20T21:14:00.000+01:00

Iraq is in crisis! After 10 years of civil war, then the war with America, the Iraqi people are Desperate. No food, no possessions, nowhere to live, no jobs, no future, so what can you do to help?

Several TV personalities have got together and started a new charity, aimed at helping the people of Iraq, "Channel No. 5 for Iraq" aims to have one brand-name quality perfume for every family by 2007.

We spoke to Ex-Eastender Patsy Palmer earlier today, "All Iraqi children smell of shit, we intend to rectify this" she told us. "Ricky" she bellowed afterwards.

Patsy Was also involved in last years "Surfboards for Afghanistan" - they may be starving, but at least they can surf!

Can You Tell The Differance?

2006-04-20T20:02:00.000+01:00

Will New Advertising Campaign Work?

2006-04-20T10:35:00.000+01:00

Say It With Bricks

2006-04-19T20:24:00.000+01:00

The Future Of Pornography?

2006-04-19T12:26:00.000+01:00

Four chairs on the game earlier

With newer and newer sexual kinks and perversions appearing on websites, I have been left wondering where it will all end? Yesterday I was emailed by Sid Lovejoy who claims hes broken the mold of pornography - here comes FURNITURE PORNOGRAPHY!

I Asked Sid to explain himself, he told me "Whether its an mature oak sideboard with its drawers ajar, a self assembly pine wardrobe with its doors open, or perhaps an ash dining chair with detachable seatcovers, their all begging for it."

"Last week I met a couple of willow cricket bats and they couldn't get enough, I have a 16th Century bible box at home and it keeps begging for more and more, it just won't stop."

"Try locking yourself in a 1950's wooden blanket box for six hours, believe me, you'll have a lot of fun. For added excitement I threaten them with "Mr Sheen" furniture polish, all quality furniture loves wax and they loathe aerosol products, you'll have them doing anything you want in seconds"

"A word of warning though, don't make it with a seaside deckchair, they have pretty low morals and you'll probably catch something nasty! Also sideboards like to lock their cupboards just to tempt you to open them and chairs always like to show more leg than is recommended"

Furniture - the future of pornography, or an unstable mans sexual fantasies? You decide!

The internet's top furniture porn site

Coke Is Better Than Piss!

2006-04-16T18:51:00.000+01:00

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T00:46:00.000+01:00

Scout Badges For The Modern World

2006-04-15T10:11:00.000+01:00

Badges are; Drug Dealing (2), viewing pornography, bear bating, dog fighting, invading Poland, Homosexual lore, shoplifting, nerd, happy slapping, fuck off hippy, hacking, bestiality, global domination, prostitute, police grass, doing nothing, being German.

Queen George - 15 Minutes Boredom On Photoshop

2006-04-14T19:28:00.000+01:00

I want't going to create another post today, but this sort of happened :) I thought I'd share it with you all :)

Where Are They Now: John Major

2006-04-14T17:15:00.000+01:00

John Major has revealed a strange new twist in his life, his politics are turned upside down!

John told us "As you get older you start to have a better understanding of the world and your political views do change, now I describe myself as an anarchist!"

"There are many ways I have changed my lifestyle, I think the most controversial is the time I watched BBC4 until 1.45am and I ate a cheese sandwich!"

"I wanted to take part in last years London Mayday protests, but Norma sent me to Sainsburys to buy some more light bulbs. Maybe I'll go this year, but Norma is starting to worry about how much Luncheon Meat we have."

"Every day around 4pm Norma makes me some beans on toast for my tea, while I'm waiting I go and watch the traffic lights change, it can get quite exciting trying to guess the next colour, I get it right most of the time though!"

"When my friend Neil Kinnock comes round to visit me we have some heated debates, I prefer the crusts cut off my cucumber sandwiches, Neil prefers them left on."

"Yesterday I didn't make the bed" added John "well not till mid-day anyhow".

More tomfoolery soon!

A Surrealist Architect?

2006-04-14T10:36:00.000+01:00

Anne Diamond - An Angel?

2006-04-14T00:01:00.000+01:00

Where You A Victim Of The OXO Family?

2006-04-13T13:07:00.000+01:00

Thousands of people are now coming forward and admitting the abuse they have suffered at the hands of the OXO family. Their favorite was gang-rape, all combined with that Beefy goodness that is OXO! Don't ask where Linda Bellingham liked to pour the gravy, although Linda is the only one who has been successfully prosecuted, now affectionately known as "Big Mabel, the dyke of Broadmoor". If you know the whereabouts of any of the other family members, please email me, enclosing your credit card number, expiry date and that three digit number off the back.

Have faith, there is life after the OXO family!

The Future Of Lost

2006-04-13T12:24:00.000+01:00

Earlier today we where discussing the "Lost" TV show, in my view its getting a bit silly. It seems to be stuck in a never ending loop, with new sub-plots more unbelievable than the last. The last episode featuring a Hippopotamus wearing Wellington boots filled with custard and a lime green trilby, trying to pimp some Lizards really requires you to suspend normality! The forthcoming "Cheese Mine" episode is just stupid, with mature cheddar being scooped straight from the earth.

The series finale is rumored to feature five goats who have no legs, but have long snake-like tongues they pull themselves along with. With the arrival of Doctor Who in pursuit of some very gay daleks with Mexican accents who intend to infect everyone in the universe with a bad dose of piles, plus the Bruce Forsyth golf sequence and the motorcycle helmets made from Raspberry Jam, its going to be bizarre to say the least!

Time to Plan A Holiday

2006-04-13T00:46:00.000+01:00

Its time to think about a holiday. They say planning one is half the fun, so go to your local travel agents and get loads of holiday brochures. Then plan TWO holidays, but don't go on either. You experience all the fun but none of the expense. You tight bastard, I hope you die.

Chocolateers My Arse

2006-04-12T01:06:00.000+01:00

A Dinner-Lady Yesterday

Every TV advert for chocolate you see has bloody Chocolateers credited to the creation of the chocolates. Bollocks, they are bloody cooks and they work in a kitchen and that's women's work! So pick up your penis shaped white hats, wipe those stupid grins off your faces and stop pretending your doing something more important than you are. Your nothing more than glorified dinner-ladies.

Shouldn't Chocolateer be another word for Fudge-Packer?

You Too Can Have Your Own Army

2006-04-11T23:06:00.000+01:00

If your bored this Easter holiday, why not go and dig the garden, collecting all the earthworms you can find in a jam jar. Count the worms. Now pop to your local 24-hour-shop (its now 3am so it has to be a 24hour one) and purchase an equal number of biros to worms.

The pen tops make excellent Norman conquest style helmets for your new worm army. Re-enact battles against a group of militant snails (Damn those dirty snails). When you have collected enough worms, invade Poland.

Movie Review, Mission Impossible 3

2006-04-10T01:03:00.000+01:00

Tom Cruise is infected with a face shrinking virus...

Movie Review, Mission Impossible 3 (cert 15, 144 mins)

Starring: Tom Cruise, Ewan McGregor, Felicity Kendall, Orson Welles, Fred Astaire, Linda Lovelace, Helen Mirren, Peggy Mount, Rowan Atkinson, Rosie O'Donnell, Dirk Diggler, Brad Pitt, Christopher Lee, Alec Guinness and Derek Batey.

This Oscar nominated tale of brokeback homosexual love between Orson Welles and Ewan McGregor is set during the Boer war. Felicity Kendall plays a welsh prostitute dying from cancer, who's daughter, Rosie O'Donnell is trying to get a scholarship to Oxford university. Meanwhile Obi Wan Kenobi appears to Rowan Atkinson in a dream and instructs him the only way to world peace is to choke Linda Lovelace, so he has to go behind enemy lines, an Impossible Mission and find Dirk Diggler. Meanwhile the Japanese have developed a human strain of bird flu, their top agent, Peggy Mount, has to infect Dracula with it, in hope he spreads it across Allied territory...

At this point I got kicked out of the cinema for being "disruptive", I eventually woke up in a ditch covered in vomit. Bastards. Overall a classic movie, but somewhat unbelievable in places! I'd give it 12/10 at least!

Large Erect Nipples

2006-04-08T11:07:00.000+01:00

Each time I have a suggestive title for a post my hits go up :)

Star Wars Episode VII: Splinter Of The Minds Eye

2006-04-08T00:05:00.000+01:00

Today I can exclusively reveal I have read the script to the seventh Star Wars movie "Star Wars VII: Splinter Of The Minds Eye" and it will be the most action-packed movie in the series to date!

I have agreed not to reveal the plot, but highlights will include;

- A young Darth Vader sets Obi Wan Kenobi's shed on fire
- In retaliation Obi Wan torches Darth Vader's dad's carport roof
- Luke Skywalker's dad makes a new rabbit hutch, which gets stolen
- Darth gets a gang together to beat up Obi Wan
- The theft of all Jedi skateboards and razor scooters
- Pram and push-chair wheels everywhere are stolen to make go-carts
- Jelly and crisps become the standard diet for Jedi Knights

And the movie will climax with street after street of burning sheds, garages and carports. The Must-see movie of 2007, you heard about it here first!

Everybodys Owned - Who Owns you?

2006-04-07T17:32:00.000+01:00

Everybodys Owned - Who Owns you? Click For Bigger Picture.

How I Keep So Fat By Dawn French

2006-04-07T10:09:00.000+01:00

I interviewed Dawn French earlier today, we had to use the telephone as she is so fat I couldn't get close enough to hear her. Dawn tells us how she remains so huge.

Basically its a question of keeping calories up and exercise down, I use a specially-built wheelchair wherever possible and I lay down a lot too.

I eat as much as I can, as often as I can, three square meals are really important at lunchtime and I can still get from one restaurant to another in under four minutes, providing their close on the same street and a large van is available!

I have to keep an eye on my food, it can fall off my plate, which effects my intake. I also recommend a huge fork, or some kind of over-sized spoon. Massive versions of the baby style Pelican bibs also work well, they catch anything that misses your mouth.

When I'm filming "The Vicar Of Dibley" I like to hide chocolate oranges under my smock, I can easily eat 40 on a good day!

Smoking is very unhealthy and can reduce your appetite!

I closed with asking Dawn about her hopes for the future. 'My ambition is to get as fat as Monty Pythons "Mr. Creosote", or Cyril Smith and I'm not far of them, only a few more stone to go!'

Good luck Dawn, you fat tub of lard.

Carry On Cromwell Street - Movie Poster First Look

2006-04-07T00:14:00.000+01:00

Put Your Head In There

2006-04-06T23:18:00.000+01:00

When The Man From Del Monte Says No...

2006-04-06T10:21:00.000+01:00

Look Out For 'The "For Dummies" Guide To Tramps'

2006-04-06T00:26:00.000+01:00

Here is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, "The For Dummies Guide To Tramps"

Chapter 4 : "The Outdoor Lager enthusiast" to "Tramp" in easy steps.

Now lager isn't strong enough, even extra-strong Lager is weak, so you need meths mixed with cider, you shit blood, but your hardcore right?

Now you have to think seriously about clothing, when did you last use your trousers as a toilet? Use them regularty, use them now. And keep them low, lower than that, lower, a little lower, that's better.

Do your shoes match? If so trade one with another wannabe-tramp and throw those laces away, string is much better!

Real tramps don't wear hats, ever!

Never shave! Also don't cut or wash your hair, rub vomit onto your hair, if you don't have any vomit to hand, drink more meths, or you could use dog vomit at a push!

Livestock - You need lice of some kind, pubic lice are a good start, Ringworm is pretty essential too. Insects help keep people away from you, policeman think twice about hassling a lice infected tramp.

When begging "20p for a cup of tea, Guv" is a good start, then try "£1 for a bacon sarnie, chief", then theres always "£500,000 for a terrace house in Essex, boss". The latter doesn't normally work, but it did for famous ex-tramp, Labour MP John Prescott, although tramps consider him a sell-out.

Fat tramps do exist, John Prescott was one, but they are very rare. Restaurant dustbins are essential for weight gain, especially as they can no longer sell old food as pig-swill, just stick your head in and eat, come up for air every 30 minutes though and watch out for rats! Any left overs make good hair gel!

A word of warning: Beware of teenagers playing the popular game "Set a tramp on fire", Jimmy Jackson of Southampton holds the record of 13 in one night.

Tramps - The road is your home, the sky as your blanket - tempted anyone?

Panda Terrorist Cell Found In Safari Park

2006-04-05T23:53:00.000+01:00

Panda Terrorist Cell Found In Safari Park

Mmmmmm... Lesbian Lard

2006-04-05T11:58:00.000+01:00

Because lesbians need Lard too...

TuggersOnline.co.uk Is Here!

2006-04-05T00:45:00.000+01:00

A new charity is launched today, www.tuggersonline.co.uk - the idea? To get every man in the UK access to internet pornography by 2007!

Sadly, here are still men in the UK who have never wanked off to the fake Britney Spears blowjob mpeg, men who have never chatted to "A busty 18 year old blonde babe" on ICQ only to find three days later she is relay a 55 year old homosexual man called Gerald. There are men who have never subscribed to a porn site only to find out its crap and men who have never entered a chat room called "Hot Sex Talk" only to find out it has 30 other shy middle aged men in it and no women. The list is endless.

A sweaty spokesman panted "Every bloke deserves the right for a damn good tug and we intend to give them that right! We intend to put a internet PC in every men's toilet in the UK, so please give what you can, I have to go now, she's about to take her blouse off"

Next time your having a wank in the internet, spare a thought for those that can't, donate to tuggersonline.co.uk today!

Two German Homing Pigeons

2006-04-04T19:39:00.000+01:00

Stuffed Ice-cream Lavatory - A Recipe For You!

2006-04-04T13:41:00.000+01:00

Your toilet ready for the batter

Today I received the Jamie Oliver Naked Chef 2 by email, but there is a serious recipe missing, he surely is a lightweight! So here is my traditional family recipe for yummy Stuffed Ice-Cream Lavatory.

We all have toilets in our homes and lets face it, the bathroom window is as good as any toilet, just ask any drunk, so you won't really miss your WC, or perhaps you have an old one in the shed?

Remove your toilet and place it on the kitchen table, I do recommend cleaning it, especially if its developed a beard over the years. Next you need to stuff it, I like to use arctic rolls because their cheap and I always think of toilets when I eat an arctic roll, but that's my problem. You can use just about anything.

Now mix five gallons of batter mix and thoroughly coat the toilet, as an alternative you can use a breadcrumb coating, but I have found this attracts seagulls.

Place the bathtub that you removed earlier (you did remove the bathtub earlier didn't you? If not remove it now) on the cooker and fill it with a few gallons of vegetable oil. At this point ask yourself if you blocked up the plughole, as that is VERY important. Also ensure your bath is an enameled iron one, not one made from plastic, if it is the latter, just borrow next-doors, I've already had a word with them and they don't mind.

Get the oil nice and hot, then drop the battered toilet into the bath, you may like to attach some steel cable before you drop it, as you need to get it out again.

Having someone ready to ring for the fire brigade is a good idea and a good excuse so you don't get prosecuted too!

Cooking times vary but I find when you see a lot of black smoke its about done. Remove the toilet from the bath and place it on the kitchen table, smash open with a large sledgehammer and serve while hot, invite the neighbours round for a real treat!

Next week: Curried television set.

A Brief History Of Fisting In The Movies

2006-04-04T00:05:00.000+01:00

The heavily cut V For Vendetta Fisting Sequence

Who can forget the scene from "Titanic" where Leonardo DeCaprio fists Kate Winslet? Or when Luke Skywalker loses his arm up Princess Leia's ass in "Star Wars"? Unforgettable moments of celluloid history, but where did it all Begin?

It was in 1965 when Julie Andrews took Christopher Plummers hand to the wrist in "The Sound Of Music" while hiding from the Germans in a barn. In 1974 Christopher Plumber was at it again in "Return Of The Pink Panther", but this time it was with Herbert Lom who kept coming back for more!

Americas most successful fister was Burt Reynolds, who in 1977 fisted the entire cast of "Smokey and the Bandit", a true masterpiece, unmatched until 2001! 1980 saw Burt's return in "Smokey and the Bandit II", this time not only fisting the entire cast, but also included the crew, the caterers and four passers by! "Smokey and the Bandit III" was a real let down though, no Burt and the fisting didn't come close on original performances.

It was about here everything went quiet in cinemas, until 2001's "Titanic" that I've already mentioned. However the recent release of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, saw Frodo fisting both Aragorn and Arwen at the same time! Despite popular rumour, the "Ring" in question is not a small golden one, but was Bilbos and he claims he can get Gandalfs entire head in!

This year we saw Evey fisting V to death in "V For Vendetta", showing fisting has returned to the movies with a vengeance! I have seen the future and the future is fisting!

Women - You Can Do It!

2006-04-03T17:07:00.000+01:00

A famous WWII poster.

Preview Of Summer Blockbuster Movies 2006

2006-04-03T14:52:00.000+01:00

Rambo IV - John Rambo has to go back to Vietnam to purchase some bin liners. He then comes back to America to recycle an old settee.

Terminator IV - Three T1000 Terminators are sent through time to sell Double Glazing to John Connor, meanwhile Arnie has to sell him a shed.

Die Harder Than Ever Before - Its Christmas, John McClane has to decorate the tree while babysitting his 4 year old son. Wearing a white vest, he starts at the top and works down, but there is a tricky bit in the middle and the fairy-lights don't work !

Reservoir Dogs 2 - Disney cartoon caper about five stray dogs who live near a reservoir. Includes a very irritating song by Elton John and Phil Collins that your parents like.

Friday The 13th Part 11 - Jason Vorhees is on a work experience scheme gardening in a churchyard, he hides a lot and runs about a bit. Then he discovers playing bingo in the church hall!

Starship Troopers 3 - The Marines give flowers and little fluffy toys to aliens to make peace. The universe lives happily ever after.

Pretty Woman 3 - Lots of weddings, kissing, kittens and fluffy rabbits. The soundtrack includes a re-recording of some average 60's hit, by some lame has-been group.

Women Know Your Place

2006-04-03T12:40:00.000+01:00

A bumper sticker to print out and realy pi** them off :) A famous WWII poster.

Tell It Like It Is

2006-04-02T15:37:00.000+01:00

How Courier Companys Damage Your Parcels

2006-04-02T14:27:00.000+01:00

Dragons In The Pub

2006-04-02T08:47:00.000+01:00

Don't you just hate it when you go to your local pub and find its been taken over by a Dragon on the piss? He plays nothing but Kylie on the jukebox too :(

How Peanut Butter Is Made

2006-04-02T00:09:00.000+01:00

A Peanut Butter factory has seating for 250 people, beside each seat is a sack of peanuts and a pile of empty jars. They take a mouthful of peanuts, chew them and spit into the jars, when the jar is full, the crunchy peanut butter is ready to be sent out to the supermarket. For smooth, each jar is reopened by the person next to them and chewed a second time!

Go on, admit it, you always suspected this.

Next time: How "Snicker" bars are made.

I'd Never Fuck A Clown...

2006-04-01T19:47:00.000+01:00

Jarvis Cocker Saves The NHS

2006-04-01T08:50:00.000+01:00

What a nice man, eh?

Our Lips Are Sealed

2006-04-01T00:15:00.000+01:00

Before Christmas I saw Gary Numan, he was driving a car, then I saw him lock the doors, I thought to myself "That's really poetic, its just like his song, Cars, he writes about it and then it happens".

The next day I heard the Fun Boy Three singing "Our lips are sealed" on the radio. It took me Nine weeks to track all three down and sew their lips shut, but someone's got the put the world to rights!

A Very Worried Hamster In Disguise

2006-03-31T15:34:00.000+01:00

I've managed to convince this Hamster the Chinese Mafia are after him, so he's in disguise. Serves him right for getting involved in the drug trade!

Time For Some New Sexual Perversions

2006-03-31T08:20:00.000+01:00

Sexual perversions just don't seem to go far enough anymore, so heres a few more to try...

BREAST FISTING - Jam your fist between your woman's breasts, not very erotic really, but its a start I suppose.

MELLON JUGGLING - Remove all your clothes, take 3 fresh melons into the bedroom and learn to juggle with them, for added excitement turn the light out, then try it on a pogo stick.

BUTT SPRINTING - Take all your clothes off in a gay disco, shout "Who wants some ass" and run like fuck, just don't get caught.

PUSSY TWITCHING - This involves a ladder and a neighbours bathroom window, but don't get caught or you'll probably end up in court.

COCK FENCING - Get someone to nail your cock to a fence, its not very exciting unless you like pain, in which case its great!

SALMON FISHING - Go fishing, try to catch salmon, if you do have a wank on the riverbank, if any passer by comments, ask for their assistance, you may get lucky, or arrested.

BALL BAGGING - Fasten a bin liner to your balls, fill it with custard. Jump off a neighbours porch roof. Use the bag to absorb impact, you need to improvise if the police turn up.

RICE PUDDING STRIP POKER - Open 4 tins of rice pudding, instead of cards, deal hands of rice pudding, the last one to eat all their hand takes something off (this is very good for stupid people, or if your REALLY bored).

UDDER DANGLING - Go to your local slaughter-house and get a couple of cows udders, go to your bedroom and remove your trousers, dangle the udders out of the window. Have fun and excitement explaining what your doing to your mum/wife/neighbour etc.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse - it does!

Some perverts on a beach, trying to think of something kinky to do with a ladder.

The George Michael Celebrity Toilet Seat

2006-03-30T20:17:00.000+01:00

My Pop Group Days

2006-03-30T08:27:00.000+01:00

I used to be in a pop group, they said I could choose the bands name, so after much thought I chose "Men Without Hats", I got kicked out before the first hit though as I owned a trilby, bad planning that.

Then I formed a foresome and again they let me choose the bands name, I suggested "The Thompson Twins", two weeks later they kicked me out as I wasn't a twin, leaving 3 of them, they assured me they where all twins and 3 is the neo-decimal version of twins, still you have to laugh!

I joined my next band, suggesting the name "A Flock Of Seagulls", it turned out I couldn't fly, they all assured me they all could, as they've seen each-other do so on many occasions, I tried to prove I could fly too, but I fell off the shed roof. Life's fickle finger of fate there I think!

For my next brush with the music industry, I joined "The Black Crowes", after falling off the shed roof I joined "The Housemartins", I fell off the shed roof. Next came an offer to join "The Byrds" for a reunion gig, but I was pretty fed up of falling off roofs, so I figured that aviation based groups where not for me.

After a couple of weeks I joined "Madness", but they claimed I was clinically insane and they are called "Madness" not "insanity". Damn.

Finally I have found my niche, the band is called "The Gimp Fisting Utter & Complete Wankers" I seem to fit in just fine. Now its time to learn to play a musical instrument, I wonder if the tambourine is OK?

Gary Numan Is Scared...

2006-03-29T20:45:00.000+01:00

Gary Numan is worried his ovaries are becoming over-stimulated, so he's hiding in a pram. He hopes to write a new album in there too.

Curry For Tea!

2006-03-29T14:56:00.000+01:00

I found this cartoon on a web site a couple of years ago (I cannot remember which, sorry), all text is by me though so its a very differant story! mmmmmm currry :)

BBC Announce New "Walking With" Series

2006-03-29T00:09:00.000+01:00

This summer will see a major BBC documentary series on our TV Screens, "Walking With Wino's".

Continuing in the tradition of Dinosaurs, Beasts and Humans, the mysteries of the elusive Wino are brought to the silver screen, in six 30 minute episodes. 400 man hours where spent working in Salvation Army soup kitchens gathering background material, "Wino's" utilizes the latest in CGI Technology. This series truly delves into the depths of the unknown.

Mysteries revealed include;

- Why they are banned from supermarkets.
- Why they sit on dirty duvets in shop doorways and under bridges.
- Why they like bus-stations.
- Why string is very important as a belt and what it really signifies.
- Why slippers are essential outdoor wear in the winter and why they needn't match.
- Why bladder control is unimportant.
- Why drinking alcoholics urine and blood isn't intoxicating.
- Why eating alcoholics vomit is intoxicating.
- And much, much more.

Also included are the mysteries of Carlsberg Special Brew, its special powers, in what way it effects a wino, how it can help them find happiness, contentment and oblivion!

The series will be presented by Derek Batey, himself a reformed wino who lived in a cardboard box for six years after presenting the "Mr And Mrs" series in the 1970s.

Look out for the BBC3 sister series "Swimming With Wino's", where children from a housing estate in Glasgow fulfill their dream, to swim with the majestic Wino.

The Wisdom Of Dunno

2006-03-28T14:15:00.000+01:00

Its a genuine quote from him too!

Thanx To Dunno ;)

Demis Roussos Returns

2006-03-28T10:40:00.000+01:00

Demis Roussos knows all the best porn sites and he knows all the passwords, Demis is the man!

1000 Hits & You Wanted Some Head

2006-03-27T16:59:00.000+01:00

This blog has just reached 1000 hits, not so bad for less than three weeks in existence! As a reward here's some head for those that need it :)

It Had To Happen An Artists Impression

2006-03-27T14:27:00.000+01:00

Here is an artists impression of an event that is rumored to have happened, Ozzy Osbourne, rocks Prince of Darkness, meets Demis Roussos, 1970s chart-topping Greek popstar, and they both worship Satan together. Remember where you read about it first!

A Slice Of Toast

2006-03-26T15:27:00.000+01:00

Its not food, its burnt bread!

Bleed For Me Baby

2006-03-25T21:07:00.000Z

Its a nice day for a white wedding itn't it?

Everything You Didn't Want to Know About Biscuits

2006-03-25T11:46:00.000Z

I originally mistrusted both Garibaldi and Bourbon biscuits, as their both named after revolutionaries. I'm starting to trust them now, no uprisings in my kitchen so far!

Digestives are the blandest of sweet biscuits after rich tea though, which interestingly enough are neither rich in flavour, or wealth, nor are they tea flavoured.

The Peak-Freans Al-Qaeda assortment turned out to include Custard Creams with a yummy layer of Anthrax, that really effected sales.

The failed cable TV show "Huntley and Palmers biscuit Extravaganza" Starring Ian Huntley the convicted murderer and Patsy plamer the Ex-Eastenders actress, didn't get past pre-production after Ian tried to kill Patsy, but then again, wouldn't anyone?

I tried Water biscuits, they seem somewhat dry, not at all water-like. I now think Penguins have started to eat my brain, they really are a satanic chocolate biscuit.

And Hob-Nobs - I can't Stop chuckling!

Amazing Facts About Soup

2006-03-24T21:04:00.000Z

Old people eat soup. Old people are boring. Soup is boring. Therefore if you eat soup YOU are boring.

Cut out the middle man and give your tastebuds a well deserved holiday. Pour soup straight down the toilet. Be aware Soup makes a poor lavatory cleaner though.

Oxtail soup does not contain actual Ox Tails, but crushed lungs of cats. This gives a similar taste and consistency.

Packets of soup are a con, they generally contain sand, dead insects and ashes of dead pets.

Soup has been popular since the 18th Century. Back then ladies used to used it as a flavored douche to give their menfolk a treat.

Cold soups like Gaspacho are for people that are too idle to cook.

The word "Soup" is derived from the Afghan word "soop", which literally means "lumpy piss".

Contrary to popular folklore, you cannot put soup in a trap to catch mice, they prefer cheese.

In top restaurants, chefs wank off into soup it to make it more creamy, the better the restaurant, the more chef-wank in the soup.

Welsh people catch rainwater in a bucket and serve it as minestrone soup.

Italians use Parmesan cheese to disguise the fact that their soup tastes like hemorrhoids.

The soup Dragon, from the popular TV Series "The Clangers" used to fart in his soup to warm it up.

Drug addicts have been known to inject soup if Heroin isn't available. Fortunately the lumps of carrot block their arteries and they die.

Crazy White Boy In The KKK

2006-03-23T22:04:00.000Z

This is so funny, you have to watch it, a sense of humour helps though.

Please right click and save it before playing to save server bandwith.

Crazy White Boy wmv

Thanx Dunno :)

Your Inner Self

2006-03-23T14:46:00.000Z

Get in touch with your inner self, swallow one end of some rope, tie the other end to a car, when it drives off, your inner self will become your outer self. Remember to be nice to your inner self. Don't fart if your smoking.

Consider Your Mind a garden, like all gardens it needs attention. Mow the garden of your mind, pull the weeds, nurture the flowers, Hug the Trees. Borrow your neighbours Strimmer. Don't return it.

Admire the beauty of a raindrop, remember to wear a coat, as its wet our there. The Clothes you wear reveal a great deal about yourself. Don't give anything away, go around naked.

Go exploring. The most interesting place to explore is your own subconscious. Don't forget the cancel the newspapers and milk.

Get in touch with the real you, hug yourself, form a circle with yourself, if you say anything you don't like, kill yourself.

If you feel low and unwanted, boost your self-esteem by making 5 gallons of rhubarb jam. Use it to win friends and influence people.

Remember to thank your fridge for the gift of coolness, it may be all you'll ever get.

Uh Uh Uh Uh Old People Uh Uh Uh Uh

2006-03-22T19:11:00.000Z

This is insane, earlier I saw my next-door neighbour watering the garden. We have had so much rain and sleet over the last two weeks we need boats not cars. She told me "I haven't had chance for a couple of weeks so I thought I'd better take the opportunity...". Old People eh?

Its all true too, I haven't made this up!

DIY Top Tip - Installing A Fitted kitchen

2006-03-22T09:16:00.000Z

Never, ever, ever, ever, help Roman Soldiers fit a new kitchen, ever. Not even if you think your the messiah. Even if they need help with the sink base unit. Carrying the timber will almost break your back. This guy had already had problems helping Roman Soldiers with the gardening, he still has some of the hedge stuck on his head. You have been warned!

Ugly - Sarah Jessica Parker Eau de Parfum Spray

2006-03-19T19:29:00.000Z

Inspired by her love of layering unexpected fragrances, Sarah Jessica Parker blends a scent of a ripe farmyard with the exotic nature of a precious oil distilled from a boxers jockstrap and the sophistication of a Spanish sewage-works. Animal Dung, rancid onions and baby vomit mingle with grandma's farts and Grandads Armpit. The result: Sarah Jessica Parker's casual attitude fashioned into a fragrance that reminds you of her!

Bigstyle Blokes by KJKool MP3s

2006-03-19T13:53:00.000Z

Bigstyle Blokes by KJKool

This has never been available on the internet before and its not commercially available, but it is copyright (please note), so when I was contacted by KJKool about distributing these tracks, I just couldn't say no (do I ever). Over to KJKool;

"Bigstyle Blokes" is a project I started after receiving an interesting voicemail message from "Steve from Lindec" (partner of a Lincoln, UK based painting firm). Steve's the kind of person who is always flying off the handle and generally bullies his staff, so I thought I'd make a dance track out of his voice message. It was met with great response from his staff, so I decided to record all phone conversations I have with him.

The next one to surface was a phone conversation he had about painting bridges, which I recorded then edited, along with a couple of conversations with his partner in Lindec "John". The edit and mix of these calls helped me to create "stand-up Steve", which is a basically a surreal scenario where Steve (who thinks he is very wise) does a kinda comedy/instructional painters seminar in front of a packed audience - again this went down a storm with his workforce!

So after this I had the "bigstyle" bug and now am in the process of creating a full album of "bigstyle" materials, which will be ready for distribution soon!

CD Covers are provided too :)

Please use Right-Click and "save as" or "save link as" (to help save bandwidth, thanx)

01 - KJKool - Intro
02 - KJKool - Bigstyle Blokes (John T Soothing Mix)
03 - KJKool - Bigstyle Blokes (Nightmare Mix)
04 - KJKool - Bigstyle Blokes (Lindecs Breakdown Mix)
05 - KJKool - Bigstyle Blokes (Hard As Fuck Mix)
06 - KJKool - Bigstyle Blokes (DnB Original Mix)
07 - KJKool - Stand Up Steve

Front Cover jpg
Back Cover jpg
CD label jpg

Dell Computers Are...

2006-03-17T15:17:00.000Z

Do you find the UK Dell computer TV adverts as awful as I do? On the strength of the advertising campaign I'd never buy a Dell as they seem to turn you into morons, but today I discovered Dell PCs do have another use, especially for QVC Customers...

Click here

Thanx to Youngie-W BTW :)

An Appeal On Behalf Of Monkey

2006-03-16T13:31:00.000Z

As you are probably aware, in May 2002 ITV Digital closed down and was eventually replaced by Freeview. But it has left one forgotten casualty, Monkey, who is now unemployed and unemployable.

Six years ago, a new soft toy for a family's children was knitted from the remains of an old school pullover and lovingly stuffed with old socks. The family named him "Monkey". He was unwanted by the children he was made for and was soon demoted to dog-chew-toy. Here he lost an eye, his nose and both ears.

Eventually Monkey was left out for the dustmen and was found in an oily puddle by Johnny Vegas, who was going through someone's rubbish looking for old jokes. Johnny took pity on the poor toy, he had his silver-haired grandmother repair him, but even then the nose was considered too expensive to replace. Monkey eventually became a popular TV star of the Millennium era.

But what about the story behind the scenes? Monkey appeared happy eating crisps on your TV screen, but the truth can only be revealed now.

The ITV Digital box was originally designed by Monkey as an aid to growing bananas in your loft. The design was stolen by Johnny Vegas, who added a coaxial socket on the back and sold it to ITV for Millions. For his design Monkey was paid just one out-of-date soggy bag of cheese and onion crisps. Crisps where always quoted as Monkeys favorite food, but only because it was all Johnny would feed him. Monkey actually required 8 stone of bananas a day. He still hates crisps to this day.

Remember - Johnny was so mean he wouldn't even give Monkey a real name, just a term of generalization.

Today I am appealing to you to think of Monkey, send as much as you can, or a blank cheque and I'll fill in an amount for you, made payable to Campaign Against Simian Harassment, just put CASH for short. Please give generously.

Johnny is now so rich he can afford to wallow in other peoples filth!

Products Cheaper Than eBay

2006-03-15T21:09:00.000Z

I buy a lot of original DVDs, far too many, since Christmas we estimate about 50 or so titles, I have bought everything from boxed sets to single DVDs. I always look for the cheapest supplier, only ONCE out of the 50 purchases made has eBay been the cheapest and then it was because it was a deleted title!

So what's my secret? Try here - Froogle compares prices from loads of sites and helps you find the cheapest. I find a killer is P&P (S&H), eBay (almost) always has P&P to be added to the purchase price, good sites (generally) never charge P&P. I can buy most DVDs and have them delivered for about 20% less then the price on eBay and as its from a legitimate firm, there are no chances of copies/used/faulty/etc items. Don't just take my word for it though, try it yourself!

People just assume eBay is cheap and it can be for some things, I find for DVDs its not!

Soggy Wet Flaps

2006-03-14T18:47:00.000Z

The first of many inane posts, I'm just testing the software realy. Watch this Space!