Nobody Stop Me - A Dairy Of A Madman

A blog of Humour, stupidity, madness, things & stuff, general inane thoughts & more stuff. This is a dairy of a madman!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

bugs and quirks

found some odd things with my blog, the assfruit is displayed too large, BUT blogger decides the size! also the sidebar stuff displays correctly in firefox and wrong in internet explorer, if you dont see a menu at the top right (you only see a space) get firefox now, its a great explorer, better then M$ crap.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Fruit Therapy

Negative feelings are bad. Think of negative feelings as fruit and vegetables. Sadness is a Grapefruit. Anxiety is a watermelon. Guilt is a Cucumber. Take all these feelings and jump up and down on them. Totally crush them. Except the Cucumber. Sit on that firmly. Stop being so negative you stupid wanker.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Urine Test

Your urine can tell you a lot. Every Monday pour some of your urine into a small bowl. Whip up the urine with a chopstick. If a frothy head forms your going to die, probably within hours. Beat death from taking you by killing yourself. As you die feel smug that for the first time in your life you have won.

I Want One...

I found this picture on usenet, no details about it, but I need to know where to buy one!

Connect With Your Partner

Connect with your partner by fastening your foreheads together with superglue. You'll realize exactly why you hate eachother and want a divorce. The clarity of thinking is good. Superglue is good. A large heavy axe is even better.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Ten Uses For George Bush

George Bush has lost his Sooty Glove-puppet

I dedicate this to all who feel the need to stand up for him, may your ignorance be blissful!

01) Scoop him out and use him as a canoe
02) Plant tomato seeds in him and use as a gro-bag
03) Stick him in a zoo wearing a gorilla costume and have him wank himself silly
04) Use his tears to stop a drought in Ethiopia
05) Employ him testing Pretzels
06) Get him a gimp-suit a-la-pulp fiction and sell his ass
07) Use him as a pillar in the next motorway
08) Show him a photograph of Bill Clinton, so he knows what a real president looks like
09) Fit wheels on him and use as a go-kart
10) Get him to write out 10,000 times "Only girls cry on TV", then tear them up and see if he cries again.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

New Iraqi Charity Launch

Iraq is in crisis! After 10 years of civil war, then the war with America, the Iraqi people are Desperate. No food, no possessions, nowhere to live, no jobs, no future, so what can you do to help?

Several TV personalities have got together and started a new charity, aimed at helping the people of Iraq, "Channel No. 5 for Iraq" aims to have one brand-name quality perfume for every family by 2007.

We spoke to Ex-Eastender Patsy Palmer earlier today, "All Iraqi children smell of shit, we intend to rectify this" she told us. "Ricky" she bellowed afterwards.

Patsy Was also involved in last years "Surfboards for Afghanistan" - they may be starving, but at least they can surf!

Can You Tell The Differance?

Will New Advertising Campaign Work?

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Say It With Bricks

The Future Of Pornography?

Four chairs on the game earlier

With newer and newer sexual kinks and perversions appearing on websites, I have been left wondering where it will all end? Yesterday I was emailed by Sid Lovejoy who claims hes broken the mold of pornography - here comes FURNITURE PORNOGRAPHY!

I Asked Sid to explain himself, he told me "Whether its an mature oak sideboard with its drawers ajar, a self assembly pine wardrobe with its doors open, or perhaps an ash dining chair with detachable seatcovers, their all begging for it."

"Last week I met a couple of willow cricket bats and they couldn't get enough, I have a 16th Century bible box at home and it keeps begging for more and more, it just won't stop."

"Try locking yourself in a 1950's wooden blanket box for six hours, believe me, you'll have a lot of fun. For added excitement I threaten them with "Mr Sheen" furniture polish, all quality furniture loves wax and they loathe aerosol products, you'll have them doing anything you want in seconds"

"A word of warning though, don't make it with a seaside deckchair, they have pretty low morals and you'll probably catch something nasty! Also sideboards like to lock their cupboards just to tempt you to open them and chairs always like to show more leg than is recommended"

Furniture - the future of pornography, or an unstable mans sexual fantasies? You decide!

The internet's top furniture porn site

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Coke Is Better Than Piss!

Happy Easter